For immediate release. April 1, 2014.

You won't be disappointed based on this candidate's popularity alone!

Very reliable sources have confirmed that Marquette has landed a whopper. Frankly, I can't believe it myself!!!!!!! This is incredible!!!!!!

Yes, none other than "Hank the Dog" will be hired as the leader of the Marquette program.

McGinn of the Milwaukee Urinal-Slantinel is giving this personnel acquisition 5 out of 5 bones.

Sources indicate he's bringin' his own staff of coaching assistants. His list includes a "who's who"...the elite of the elite: "The Shaggy D.A.", "Old Yeller", "Marmaduke", "Copper" (Fox & Hound), and "Scraps" (from Airplane II).

"Toto" will serve as a special assistant and recruit primarily the Kansas area. "Triumph the Insult Comic Dog" will also serve as a special assistant and recruit primarily in New York City.

Now this is all speculation on my part but I did hear from various sources that "Hank the Dog" turned down applications for the assistant coaching positions from the following dogs: Spot, Max, Fido, Rocco, Sparky, Buddy, Buster, Shadow, and Spike.